I am a
woman who has lived a life of challenge from the first year I was born. I grew
up in a loving, yet dysfunctional family where God was the focus, however there
were many things about my life, the people in it and the world I lived in that
were very puzzling to me. At an early age, I learned about Jesus and what He
did to save my life and when I accepted Him as my Savior, life did improve for
me, because I knew that no matter what I was never alone.
I grew
up holding onto Jesus, yet wondering how to live this life with other people. I
made many attempts at relationships, but failed miserably because of what I did
not understand and because of my fears and struggles with trust and
responsibility in relationships. I was okay to shut the world and other people
out at times, because it made my life more bearable. I had Jesus and that was
enough for me, especially when people in my life hurt me in ways that I felt I
could not recover from. I recognize at the same time, because of my own issues
and insecurities, I also was hurting the people who genuinely cared about me
and wanted to help.
It wasn’t
until I faced significant loss that I started really looking at what it would
take for me to want to continue living. I shared all my concerns with God and I
trusted in His guidance from the Bible and from what the Holy Spirit spoke to
my heart. I learned to listen and to tell God how I was feeling through written
prayers and that saved my life. I continued to read the Bible and hold onto the
scriptures that comforted me and taught me how to live. I focused a lot on the
teachings of Jesus and that helped me to interact with others and just share
the love that Jesus gave me with them.
When I
approached the point where I was pregnant and I knew I would have to take care
of another life, that is when things got a bit more serious for me and I knew I
had some things that I better face. I wanted to be a good mother for my child
and I knew that if I kept holding onto old baggage, that I’d carry that into my
parenting and I did not want my child affected by those things. I spent a lot
of time during my pregnancy being very honest with myself about my past
experiences and what things I still needed to resolve. God was faithful and put
the right people in my life to help me in that process. I received a
significant amount of healing and unity within myself that prepared me for the
new journey of motherhood.
I was
not a perfect mother by any means, but I was determined to give my child all
the love I could and to let her know that no matter how challenging her
temperament was, I would always love her and care for her. I realize that
taking care of my child in this way was actually healing the wounded child
inside of me, in a way that may not have happened otherwise. I protected my
child as best I could and she grew into toddler hood happy and healthy. I
struggled in my marriage and realized that I was wasting away. I gave so much
of myself to my child, to caring for my husband and the home, that I was not
getting the relief I needed and I did not know how to get it. I did the best I
could to have balance in my life and I prayed for a way to hold on. I admit
that the way I received answer to my prayers was not in a form that I expected,
but God gave me freedom that I could not have ever thought was possible. I
found myself among a number of other women in a program where we were all working
through our own impacts of abuse in our lives, from the past and in our present
circumstances.
The
time away from my home, yet still with my child, helped me to start the process
of letting go of generational baggage and learning how to love myself and live
a fully authentic life. Being real was always important to me, but now I was
learning how to be real in community with other women and children and how to
hold onto the things God had taught me, while still caring for my child. In
this environment I faced challenges that helped me to admit fears that were
still hanging around and I learned how to depend on God even more and believe
that God was always with me and would protect me. I endured a court battle and
many trips to the emergency room and eventually suffered a separation from my
child due to some of these medical challenges.
It was
a hard moment to accept that I was not able to care for my child in the way
that I knew she needed, with so many medical issues affecting my perception, my
energy level and my ability to focus on really taking care of myself. By the
grace of God and some help from good friends, I learned that I had a very
unique opportunity to take this time to recover from all the strain that my
body endured from one challenge after another, and to work on some projects
that I would not have otherwise given myself the freedom to do.
At the
beginning of the separation, once I could actually sit down and my brain
regained the capacity to read the Bible again; I took some time to study the
Word of God in a new way. After 40 days of studying scripture with the
intentionality of choosing life and good, I discovered statements that I wanted
to hide in my heart and capture in a tangible way. What emerged for me was a
way of meditating on a passage of scripture and then taking my understanding of
those words and putting them into a form that I could confess and remember
throughout the day. I wanted to remember what I learned and confessed in the
morning, because I knew it would be important for my day and strengthening new
muscles of choosing good things for myself each day.
God's
word continually has life and will bring encouragement and guidance as I take
the time to study it with the Holy Spirit present and ready to guide me. I am
faithfully committed to daily studying scripture and allowing God to feed my
spirit in such a way that it sets the course for my day. It is my desire to
always do this in whatever form it takes and then have the courage to share
these things with the world. This is my life’s purpose and passion and today I
am choosing to embrace it and move forward in this new adventure.
I am
learning now how to make choices that will keep me focusing on the good things
in life, while I am separated from my daughter and I am learning what it looks
like just to care for myself. It is an interesting journey and I am grateful
for the way God has brought me to a place of peace and rest. I have less than
one year to discover a whole new way of living and actually thriving in life and
when I see my daughter again, it will be the best reunion and I’ll be able to
give her so much more, but in a way that keeps us all healthy.
Thank
you Jesus, for saving me, freeing me and restoring me gently, so that I may
live a life on earth that is full of love, peace, joy, unity and fun! AMEN
So,
with that introduction, I hope you enjoy reading these confessions, the
scriptures referenced and identifying new ways for yourself to choose life and
good from the Word of God. May God richly bless you as you live this life
walking with Him in love, unity and compassion for all people.
Sincerely,
Loretta Fralin Rapp (aka Lily Eve)
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