Learning who I am and Embracing whose I am

So I went on a prayer walk with a friend, who is a mentor to me and it was a very powerful experience. I let go of an old belief and adopted a new, healthy belief. For those of you who know my story, you know that I live with Bipolar Disorder and I currently dont have custody of my 8 year old daughter because I had a manic episode when she was with me and i put her in potential danger. For those of you who dont know my story you can read some of it on the intro to Confessions for the narrow road.
My prayer walk was a very powerful experience.   I picked some scriptures that have been encouraging to me in the last few years and I talked about their significance to me and then we prayed, thanking God and seeking greater understanding. We prayed over scriptures like Jeremiah 29:11 where it talks about the plans God has for me to give me a hope and a future. In out discussion I talked about my fears and old beliefs that I had concerning my daughter.

I developed a belief that I was not a safe place for my daughter because of what happened when I was manic. At the time I was not a safe place, but that was 5 years ago and now I've been on medication for 5 years and I haven't had any other manic or depressive episodes since then. So, even though I may not have been a safe place then, I am now. I am a safe place because God is my safe place. I am holding onto that belief and trusting God to continue to show me who I am and what good things I can believe about myself. I want to see myself the way God sees me, so that I can operate in His purpose for my life.
I just want to encourage you as  you and I walking along this narrow road that just because you were one way in the past, doesnt mean you will be that way presently and in your future. Ask God to reveal Himself to you and to show you who you are. He made you. He knows you better than anyone. You can trust Him to show you the truth. If you want to know the scriptures I used, I can post them here.
May God bless you on this narrow road!

My Perspective of Job (greater freedom in understanding)

First, I have to say that I have read the book of Job many times in my life and I have learned different things each time that build upon each other. The understanding I'm getting this time around is helping me to see the importance of getting to know God. It's not about living a pious life and I can say that because I know that God has used many people in the bible who were murderers, or who denied Him. Now I'm not saying go ahead and commit murder or turn your back on God; but what I am saying is trying to live a perfect life, just following all the rules, is not necessarily what God wants of us. He wants us to know Him, to be in communion with Him to the point that no matter what losses we experience in our life, we can hold onto God, asking Him for the right perspective to get through it.

There is something very important to understand about the trials that we face in life. God wants us to run to Him instead of cursing Him and running away from Him. He gives us something very important when we hold onto Him through the trial. We learn something that brings us closer to God. Every time we have a trial, there is something that is meant to be learned if we are willing to see it that way and often the trial ends sooner once we learn whatever God desires to teach us. I believe Job learned a powerful lesson from God that led Him to say in Job 42:1-6:

Then Job replied to the Lord:

I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you. You ask, 'Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?' It is I. And I was talking about things I did not understand, things far to wonderful for me.

You said, 'Listen and I will speak! I have some questions for you, and you must answer me.'

I had heard about you before, bit now I have seen you with my own eyes. I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.

He gets the perspective that no one can prevent God from acting in whatever way He chooses because He's God and we are not. Job recognized that he saw God in the wrong light, because he said he spoke about things he did not understand. He believed that if he lived a righteous life that that would be enough, that God would not touch him and he would continue to be blessed. Now at first it seemed that Job understood by saying to his wife, "should we not accept hardship from the Lord and only good"(my paraphrase). However as time went on and his friends accused him of wrongdoing Job felt pressed to defend himself and lost sight of what he knew at first. We must allow God to be God and don't get bent out of shape when something awful happens that we struggle to process.

You may ask what was the lesson that Job learned other than the fact that God's ways are far beyond man's and we must not question them? Well if you remember from the beginning of Job, after losing all his children, he says 'that which I feared has come upon me'. Furthermore, the beginning of Job talks about how Job feared for his kids when they would have parties, thinking that they may have sinned in  some way; so he went to offer sacrifices to God on their behalf. Job's fear was that he would lose his kids because of their sin and in the end he lost his kids. How painful!

I believe that Job's ah ha moment came when He could say to God, 'I was talking about things I did not understand, things far too wonderful for me.' So Job let go of what he did not understand about losing his kids and  he said 'I had heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes.' Job came to discover a completely new facet of God and that healed him. He said he spoke about 'things far too wonderful for me', things that mortals can't even begin to understand because they are not supposed to. Job understood that he was talking out of turn. Whatever God and the devil do, whatever their interaction, is not our business, because we do not have God's perspective. 

From our viewpoint it would look like God was unfair in what He allowed to happen to Job, but we don't understand the relationship that God has with the devil and how the enemy is always trying to accuse God's followers of something. We do not understand because God's ways are not our ways. But in the end, after having discovered more about God, he understood his wrong thoughts and repented. And after Job's repentance, God restored him and gave back more than he had before and gave him 10 more kids. And this time, he had no reason to fear for his kids spiritual safety because of the perspective he gained about God. That perspective put his mind at ease.

So what can we learn from this story, because I was reminded as I've been reading this book "The Book of Job: When bad things happened to a Good Person" (Harold S. Kushner) that I must come through reading this book differently then before I read it. So our lessons that we can take away from this book are that:

1.       God's ways are not our ways, and how God works on a spiritual level that is far beyond our comprehension, should help us to see that we must trust God, even when it hurts because He is still good and He is still on the throne. 2.        Even when it looks like God is not in control we must choose to believe that He is the I AM. So any time something happens to us that we are aware is a trial and we want to question Him about it, God's response to us is I AM. I AM good, I AM in control, I AM just, I AM your Father, I AM the KING, I AM your friend that sticks closer than a brother, I AM, I AM, I AM. 3.       Another thing we need to understand is that every trial comes with a lesson to be learned. The sooner we learn that lesson, the better off we will be and the sooner the trial will end. Granted some lessons take time to learn and may not end as soon as we would like them to, but we can always ask God for grace and trust in the Holy Spirit's guidance and be grateful for the prayers the Holy Spirit makes on our behalf. 4.       Job also teaches us an important lesson about how to be with those friends who accuse us instead of support us, and the friends and family who get as far away from us as possible. Job handles it well and does as God instructs and prays for his friends. Then it says "all his brothers, sisters, and former friends came and feasted with him in his home. And they consoled him and comforted him because of all the trials the Lord had brought against him." So Job did not hold any grudges, he allowed himself to be comforted by those who left him when he needed them most.  So, another thing I wanted to point out is that Job didn't just get over losing his kids like that, he mourned and was consoled.  And that is important for us to see, because the pain is real and it doesn't go away overnight. 5.       So, we can love God and trust Him while we are in pain and may struggle with the trial. One of the things God's was speaking to me was this, "let me use you to teach the devil something. And believe me, my love for you is strong and I will restore you in the end." And I don't know about you, but I am okay with letting the Lord use me to beat up the devil and send him packing straight to hell where he will live for all eternity. I trust God. I know that when pain comes, He gives me grace. I have the Holy Spirit to help me. I have godly friends to encourage me. And I have worship, which I can do at anytime I want because I know God loves my praise and it's especially sweet when it comes from a trial, because it's pure and it drives the devil crazy mad because we are reminding him that we took his place. He was the worship angel and when he fell he lost that place. Instead God gave us the ability to worship Him and it's a privilege. I know that God loves it when I worship Him and the devil hates it, so it's a win-win in my book. No matter what, I will choose to worship! AMEN! Maybe reading Job leaves you the questions and you want to talk about it. Post your questions here and let's have a discussion, because God wants you to be free and have a perspective about Him that is healthy, so that when trials come you can say 'I believe God is still good".

Overcoming Damaged Goods Mentality

So I've been watching a series by Michael Todd called Damaged Goods and it's really blessing me. Ever since I had my miscarriage 13 years ago and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I've walked around with a damaged goods mentality. I thought to myself, who would want me, I'm too much work, I cant be trusted because of how I become when I'm manic. But lately God has been restoring me and helping me to see that what the enemy meant to use to destroy me or cause me to feel useless, God is able to turn around and use for His good.
So this series talks about something that really touches me heart. He reminds me that in Jeremiah 29:11 it says that God has a plan to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future. I used to think my future couldn't be any good. I had a manic episode while my young daughter was with me and I put her in danger. I lost custody of her and for years we've been separated. It's only been in the last few years that I've gotten to see her twice a week, but never without her dad's supervision. That's hard. It makes me feel even more damaged. But, I'm choosing to remember that God is for me, that we all have some area of damaged goods and God chooses us despite that. He sees us and He says yes, I want her.
Maybe today you're feeling insecure and damaged, but I hope you will be encouraged as I am to see that God is for you, He comes looking for you and He chooses you. He has a great plan for your life! You have great things to look forward to because God is in the picture. And even when things dont look so good and trouble is all around you, you can stand to your feet and raise your head and praise God because He's with you, he's never left you. He just wants you to trust him in the midst of the chaos and watch him calm the storms in your life. He will do it. Do you believe it?

Saying goodbye to drinking

As I write this post I am drinking my very last beer. I am choosing to say goodbye to drinking because I have finally decided that it's not serving me all that well. I drink to take the edge off of life. I admit that life is often overwhelming to me. I am a very sensitive person and that has it's good points and it's challenging ones. I've found that being sensitive opens me up to some vulnerabilities. I am also a very open person. I hate to feel like I'm hiding something from the people that I love. I also love this blog because it gives me the opportunity to share my heart in a way that can help others who are on their own journey to overcoming their struggles.
My last beer is finished and I feel like I'm being given a great resolve to do this and to succeed at it. As I mentioned I would drink to take the edge off. I am experiencing a difficult moment in my life. I don't live with my daughter; she lives with her dad and her grandpa and that is difficult for me. I, like my daughter, want to see her every day. I need to be with her, just as she needs to be with me. When I spend time with her and her dad, I often have the desire to drink because it's hard, but I realize that if I continue to do that I'm teaching my daughter that when things are difficult I must drink. I don't want her to learn that from me. She is my inspiration to living a better life, because I want to teach her many things and the best way to do that is to be the example for her. So, today I'm saying goodbye to drinking and it feels good and empowering.

Journey to Worship!

On this Friday I have come to discover that I am on a journey to worship. I have been on this journey before, at critical times in my life, and walking in that worship has done many things for me...it's healed me, strengthened me, given me hope and visions of Jesus. This journey that I'm on has grabbed me again today and I am so grateful. This time it's saving me from myself, from loneliness, and from illness. This journey to worship is changing my perspective of not just my life, but the lives of mankind and why we're here. This journey to worship is waking me up to the reality that it's all about Him...Jesus and sharing the truth of His love and salvation with everyone you can.

So that is my new priority...to be open to the opportunities to share Jesus and to shine with His love so that people are drawn to see Him through me. This journey to worship has opened that door for me and I am grateful. So even though I have Bipolar Disorder, that doesn't have to stop me. All that is is a bridge that I've been given to reach people in the mental health community and to share the love of Jesus in that arena. I have a purpose and it's a great one. I believe in Jesus and in the power of worshipping Him. This is my journey and I'm grateful for it.

Confessions for the Narrow Road Devotional (Day 32-40)

Confessions for the Narrow Road Devotional (Day 22-31)